Towards Happy University Studies

It is sad but true that way too many students still achieve a deficiency in their needs assessment and are left with unhappy memories of their student years. In this paper, we present what we believe is the appropriately inclusive way out of this situation. It treats the survivors first, followed by the educators.

Obviously it's mainly the students themselves who can correct the problem if they aren't differently logical. We carried out a research in retrospect to support this hypothesis, with the following results. First, the students just happen to be motivationally deficient and write suboptimal projects for which they get bad marks. Some of them are substance abuse survivors, get chemically inconvenienced on evenings and come temporally challenged -- what can they expect then? Yet others are rather nontraditionally ordered and don't womage to learn all they need, especially when using specially organised lecture notes even their significant others wouldn't read... So, dear students, if you want to get your spinster's degree, stop engaging in negative attention getting lest the anomalies become unavoidable!

Now the teachers can help with the remedy as well by creating a friendly atmosphere so the needs assessments don't look like aversion therapy. Young staff can for example read a processed tree carcass during the assessment while the chronologically gifted and/or tired ones might want to relax by being in a reduced state of awareness. Also, please don't mind if someone takes cos companion animal to the room. Especially women can go even further and decorate the room using gingerbread persons and botanical companions. This way, even differently interesting subjects like his'n'herstory or ethnocentric white patriarchal restructuring of language may become enjoyable.

The results of such an preemptive counterattack on bad results will be twofold. Students with good marks will have better chances not to become involuntarily leisured or even underhoused during periods of negative economic growth. Their teachers will be awarded by better wages, lose fear of tax base broadening and live happily until their peacefull teminal episode when their time is ripe.

A Short Questionnaire

To test your understanding of The Way To Speak, here is a short needs assessment for you (the answers can be found after the Unsuitable version of the paper):

1. Which problems cause deteriorated student performance during exams (list at least three) ?
2. What gender are the student's partners who have problems reading lecture notes?
3. What can tired members of staff do during the exam?
4. And the other ones?
5. How many botanical companions are there in this room?
6. List three economical anomalies that can affect students or staff.

This talk is based on The Official Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook by H.Beard and C.Cerf, HarperCollinsPublishers 1994. Pronounced at the KIV/DDT banquet celebration of the memorable anniversary of Stanislav Racek's 50 years.